Goodbye 2012

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
And surely you'll buy your pint cup! and surely I'll buy mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Auld Lang Syne is about old friends who have parted and meet again. To celebrate their long friendship, they share a drink together and reminisce of memories from long ago. The basic message is that we should not forget our old friends and should celebrate a reunion with them.  http://www.newyearfavors.com/new-years-eve-song.html

Though I have lost several relationships this year, I've, also, had the pleasure of reconnecting with family and old friends.  I celebrate the relationships that the Lord has blessed me with.  Even through the most difficult times, the greatest lesson I've learned is joy can be found through pain.  I've definitely hurt more this year than ever, yet I have, also, never felt more empowered, at peace and free. 

Mark 5:34  He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

 

2013, I welcome you with open arms!

Discouragement... even after Change?!?!

If only I could remember 2 Timothy 1:12 I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.

I have no real explanation for why the past three weeks have been discouraging.  I will assume a prominent stress was from the breast cancer scare we had in our family that prompted 8 days of waiting.  A few days before our initial scare, we were hit with the devastating news of a family friend's breast cancer diagnosis.  I spent the majority of those 8 days praying... no matter what I was doing, on the inside, I was talking to God.  I was praying for my own personal love while, also, praying for several others suffering from various forms of this disease.  I repeatedly read Psalm 107:20 "He sent out his word and healed them..."  When our waiting game concluded, my family received amazing news...all clear.  Of course we felt relieved and ecstatic.  And at the same time, I felt sad for my friends.  Out of respect, I didn't shout from the roof tops, aka an announcement on Facebook, that we slipped through the evil hands of cancer...this time.

Several times this month I found myself asking my husband and a few trustworthy friends the question, "Why does it seem like life is harder, more difficult, not as fun or happy since I've committed myself to living right and putting God first?"  1 Timothy 6:12 says Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.  Honestly, I didn't expect this new way of living to be such a battle.  I didn't expect a regular feeling of defeat... and it has nothing to do with people, but life circumstances.  I recognize that my job as a counselor plays into this, as well.  It can be oddly comforting that my struggles are nothing compared to what most of my kids experience daily. Unfortunately, taking in their struggles builds up and wears me down.  Sometimes I want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs, "REALLY? REALLY? Are you kidding me? Anything else?" On the other hand, I don't want an open invitation for more pain, more stress whether at work, at home, with family or friends.  My plate is full.  Then I have to remind myself of Isaiah 54:15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. 

Spiritual warfare never meant much to me.  In all honesty, I wasn't even sure I fully believed it because it just wasn't something I'd ever experienced.  I get it now.  Previously, what did the devil have to fight for with me? Um, nothing; no battle here.  Now, it seems there's a fight every day in some way or another. Discouragement greets me at my bedroom door, my front door, my garage door, my car door, my office door...you get the picture.  If it doesn't win in one area, unfortunately it doesn't quit, but just attacks another area.  Luckily, Romans 8:37 says No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  I must remember that, AND I don't have to do it alone.  The best thing I've done for my life was  change my surroundings.  It wasn't easy eliminating destruction from my life, but I gained so many positive, encouraging, and non judgemental people.  The exact opposite of who I believed would be in my life while attempting to be a "good Christian girl." I'm thankful I can voice my frustrations, fears, mistakes and challenges to family and friends who understand because they have experienced the same thoughts at one time or another. 

The past three weeks, I allowed the "spiritual forces of evil" to grab hold and wear me out.  I avoided reading. I avoided writing.  I forgot Ephesians 6:13-17 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

My life really isn't sad or discouraging.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I am grateful for more than much. I don't spend the majority of my days down in the dumps attending my own pity party even if this blog entry may sound as if I did the month of October.  However, I do believe in the power of sharing moments of weakness.  If I can reveal my feelings of discouragement and just one person is encouraged because they aren't alone, then I know I did God's will. 

1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

Trust and Obey

This past week was long, sad and stressful.  Most days I came home, laid down, turned on Netflix, and attempted to forget about the painful conversations that took place with children and families.  This past week two of our beautiful young students lost their short lives in a hit and run accident.  To make the situation more difficult, the students were refugees from Tanzania and their families spoke Kirundi.  We communicated through their close friends or family members who could speak broken English.  According to Wikipedia, Kirundi, also known as Rundi, is a dialect of the Rwanda-Rundi language spoken by people in Burundi and parts of Tanzania and Congo-Kinshasa, as well as in Uganda.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kirundi 

On Saturday morning, in services celebrating the lives of these precious girls, the First Baptist Church in downtown Amarillo filled with friends and family to say goodbye.  The service began by the Burundi pastor of First Baptist giving the congregation a word and it was translated for those of us who did not understand.  He shared several verses from the bible, but Revelation 14:12 resonated with me. This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus.

What I do understand, without translation, is grieving is universal. When reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren a couple of years ago, I found his teachings on death and grieving profound, as well as, one of those "duh" moments.  He reminded me that in the very beginning God created us to live forever, so because we were created that way, no matter how many times we encounter death in our lives, it hurts.  We weren't made to die. By the grace of God, we will be dancing in heaven, as one of the boys, with tears in his eyes, told me this week about what his sweet friends were doing now with Jesus.  In an interview I found online with Rick Warren, he said, "In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity." http://www.groww.org/community/boards/messages/8/10879.html?1226180873

Possibly the most beautiful sound I have ever heard was when about 200 friends and family sang in Kirundi Trust and Obey and Let There be Praise from the hymnal.  As a counselor, it's important that I'm always in control of my emotions, but when I heard these angelic voices harmonizing to old hymns I heard as a child, only recognizing the tune, my heart melted and the tears ran down my face.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of his word, what a glory he sheds on our way!
While we do his good will, he abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey.
     Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share, but our toil he doth richly repay;
not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross, but is blest if we trust and obey.
     Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
But we never can prove the delights of his love until all on the altar we lay;
for the favor he shows, for the joy he bestows, are for them who will trust and obey.
     Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at his feet, or we'll walk by his side in the way;
what he says we will do, where he sends we will go; never fear, only trust and obey.
     Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Let there be praise, let there be joy in our hearts.

Seeing God's Vision

We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. 2 Thessalonians 1:11

I decided to search His words for purpose in the book Bible Promises for You.  While reading each passage, I wasn't paying attention to the books and verses, but just the words.  One verse about half way through the page just popped out at me...spoke to me.  Seriously, when I read it, my mouth opened just a bit and I even tapped the book in confirmation of His message.  I hear you Lord.  After tapping the words, I looked at the verse - 2 Thessalonians 1:11.  NO SERIOUSLY, I HEAR YOU LORD! God is speaking!

Let me explain.  As my anxiety level was rising toward the conclusion of 12:34, I was afraid I wouldn't know where to go without an outline for God's word for me.  I had joked so many times about reading 11:11, I considered it, but I thought, "Why not 1:11?" It would be better because that would be virtually every book of the bible.  Then I thought... every book in the bible.  That just seemed like the easy way out so I decided to take a leap of faith (again) and let the Lord lead me each week.  What an amazing experience!

God has opened my eyes through some amazingly spiritual people and their intense testimonials.  God works through everything. I know he's in every detail of my life, but feeling him and hearing him is. So. Awesome! 

Paul and I have been praying for about a year, but more intensely all summer, for God to show us our purpose.  I have such a passion to brag on Him.  I want to speak of His glory all day long so I began praying for a life that allowed it.  He is revealing things to us that are new AND He's reminding us of things He's previously presented that we didn't recognize as Him.

Francis Chan in Crazy Love asked: Is this what I want to be doing when Christ comes back? If I allow that question to be a guideline for my life, then I want to continue to move toward Christ.  I want my life to be all about blessing others.  Matthew 22: 37-39 Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."  Our Heavenly Father has given Paul and me a vision that will allow us to bless others all day long while fulfilling his two greatest commandments. WE CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO FULLY COME TO PASS! Please join us in prayer that we will be able to reveal our vision sooner rather than later.

I look forward to the day I can say:  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:7-8

I often find strength and encouragement through others.  I would love to hear what God's doing in your life. 
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

12:34 Time for Change Part VI (in conclusion)

Nehemiah 12:34 Judah, Benjamin, Shemaiah, Jeremiah.  Oh how times have changed... and rather quickly!  If this would've been the first 12:34 God revealed to me, there's no question - 11:11 would've been the journey.  What am I supposed to do with four biblical names???  

How about search their meanings...
Judah - to praise.
Benjamin - son of my right hand.
Shemaiah - hears God.
Jeremiah - raised up by God.

Me - smiling.

Six short weeks ago, I began this journey searching my heart and ears for God.  I had no plan.  I had no motive.  I didn't know why I chose the 12:34 verses in the order that I did, but God knew exactly what He was doing.  Looking back, I see God's direction and my heart aches with joy.  He has been with me all the days of my life just waiting for me to seek Him first.  He has spoken and I have listened. I'm still listening, Lord. Lead me. 

Nehemiah 1:3 "...Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace.  The wall of Jerusalem is broken down and its gates have been burned with fire."  Nehemiah's response in 1:4 When I heard these things, I sat down and wept.  For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven.  The Lord revealed to Nehemiah that He wanted him to rebuild the the city of Jerusalem. Nehemiah 2:18 I also told them about the gracious hand of my God on me and what the king had said to me. They replied, "Let us start rebuilding." So they began this good work.  Though it was dangerous, those who believed were encouraged and ready to help Nehemiah rebuild. In chapter 3 of Nehemiah each verse lists someone different rebuilding each section.  It seemed like such an enormous job, but when broken down into smaller pieces it wasn't overwhelming.  Nehemiah 4:6 "...for the people worked with all their heart."  Nehemiah 4:14 "...Don't be afraid of them, Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  Even through intimidation and opposition, the wall was rebuilt in 52 days.  Nehemiah 6:16 The work had been done with the help of God.  

http://www.welcometohosanna.com/JERUSALEM_TOUR/postexile.htm

God has torn down walls rebuilding Paul and me and working on us from the inside out while we've been praying for Christian friendships to support and encourage our new life together.  God answered that prayer this week by revealing his power and strength through others.  Whether it was a phone call, a text message, a message through facebook or friends in our home, we were overwhelmingly blessed.  I truly had no idea how powerful and comforting it was to talk about the love of God. ALL. THE. TIME.  We even had a friend this week half jokingly say, "If you don't want to talk about God with me, then I don't think we have anything to talk about." The absolute best gift of all is that many of these "new" friendships aren't new.  Most of the godly people in our lives are "old" friends who have become new again.  God is doing some amazing things in the lives of many and we are witnessing it first hand. Thank you Jesus for not leaving us lonely. 

In Nehemiah 12:27 At the dedication of the wall of Jerusalem, the Levites were sought out from where they lived and were brought to Jerusalem to celebrate joyfully the dedication with songs of thanksgiving and with the music of cymbals, harps and lyres.  Nehemiah 12: 34;43 Judah, Benjamin, Shemaiah and Jeremiah were assigned to a choir. And on that day they offered great sacrifices, rejoicing because God had given them great joy. The women and children also rejoiced. The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away. I love the fact that Nehemiah was the final 12:34 I read.  This is a book of celebration and praise to the Lord and it's exactly where Paul and I are now - in praise and celebration of our Heavenly Father for rebuilding us into who He wants us to be.  Our journey has not finished.  It is just beginning.

I thank you for allowing me to hear you by raising me up and I praise your Son who sits at your right hand.

12:34 Time for Change Part V

Each week, when I read a new 12:34, I don't have predetermined ideas in which to write.  Truthfully, at the end of each piece, before I start a new reading, I have a moment of doubt; a "what if I can't hear Him" moment.  Yet each week, I have found God in every message revealing many things about myself and revealing himself throughout my day. Reading the book of John has been no different.  And now, five weeks later, I have a lump in my throat as I'm typing.  HE continues to speak to ME and it seems almost everywhere I look I am hearing his voice. 

John 12:34 The crowd spoke up, "We have heard from the Law that the Messiah will remain forever, so how can you say, 'The Son of Man must be lifted up?' Who is this 'Son of Man'?"  Reading this I immediately thought back to when I was young.  My family and I attended a small Methodist church from as far back as I can remember.  We were in church together most Sundays.  I attended VBS every summer and Sunday school occasionally.  I remember coloring pages and listening to stories about Jesus.  When I was in the 5th grade, I began confirmation classes - learning the meaning of Christian faith; the history and teachings of the Methodist church; and an explanation of the baptism and membership vows.  I faithfully attended the classes.  Honestly, if I remember correctly, I even had some one on one tutorial sessions, too.  After these classes, I would come home with so many questions.  I just couldn't wrap my head around the concept of the Trinity.  AND I was being told I must profess my faith IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION AND be sprinkled with water to be "born again"... WHAAAT??!!

Mom and I spent many weeks that summer memorizing bible verses and talking about this Son of Man.  Being raised in the South, I'm sure I shouldn't have had so many questions.  I shouldn't have been questioning like the Greeks in John 12:34. I should have been the obedient child - listening and doing what I was told - no questions asked.  I was just getting baptized and, seriously, every good christian was doing it. Except me.  To this day, it may be the single most important act my parents did for me, and as amazing as they are in so many ways, their decision to let me wait until I was ready is the one I respect the most.  

Earlier this week, before I went to sleep, I read a chapter from Do Something by Miles McPherson.  In each chapter he tells a personal story, whether his or someone else's and intertwines it with a story from the bible.  This particular chapter focused on stories from the book of John.  I literally had to catch my breath for a second. I knew God wanted me to hear something. "...One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see." (John 9:25)  Then the author  asked a question: "Can you say in one way or another, I was blind and now I see?" 

Honestly, I lived about 14 years of my life blindly.  Somehow I got lost.  My faith slipped by my own freewill.  I was 20 years old, in college, with a new found freedom I had never experienced before.  Oh, and by the way, I knew it all!  I fell into an infatuation with a free spirit.  His life motto seemed to be, "If it feels good, it is good" and I jumped right in.  In other words, I drank the kool-aid.  Or at least half a cup.  In John 35-36, Jesus said, "You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before the darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light."  In his defense, that free-spirit I fell for, he warned me about leaving the light and living in the dark.  He tried to stop me, but when I was 20, nothing scared me and I thought I could change the world. 

Five years later, at 25, I wish I could say, in the best fairytale way, a stork delivered a beautiful baby boy in a bassinet, gently dropping it at our doorstep. Instead it looked more like a bomb went off and out of the shrapnel came a fighting-mad 12 year old middle school boy who, like me, knew everything.  There were plenty of battles through those early years, but out of that war came love, and a glimmer of God's light.  At 29, I found myself with that 16 year old boy back at the little Methodist church I was raised in.  It was a safe place where I knew God would be waiting for those of us living in the dark.  The free-spirit and I, along with my parents and other family members, got to watch him receive Christ into his heart and be baptized.  There was no sprinkle this time.  He went down in that water and came out "born again".  I'll never forget that day.  It was a good one. I wish I could conclude this 12:34 with "And they lived happily ever after," but I can't. 

All week God has prompted me to share where I am now and the road that got me here... and I really didn't want to. This piece has only come out of me kicking and screaming. Isaiah 23:9 The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth. For the majority of my adult life, I raised that sweet boy that God shell shocked my twenties with.  I received praise and accolades and I became prideful in what "I" did as a parent.  When the free-spirit and I divorced, I was still living in the dark, but I wanted the light desperately.  This journey I've been on over the past two years lead me to Paul and the Lord, but it, also, created a fork in the road for me and that sweet boy God exploded my door step with so many years ago.  I know Satan didn't like the changes I was making in my life.  All the tricks that had worked before to throw me off my journey weren't working anymore.  Satan used the only ammunition he had left.  My sweet boy was forced to choose between his father and the "used to be" step mom.  In all my pride, I thought the war was over a long time ago, but I was wrong, and I lost.  He walked out of my life and he is gone.  Heartbroken, God gave me a choice.  John 3:21 "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God."  I could retreat to the dark, avoiding people, their criticisms and judgement.  I could pretend my life was perfect, but I was tired, exhausted from living that way.  

If there is anyone on this earth that could teach me how to live in the light, it is my best friend from high school.  She was with me at 16, in a new church I had found with her help, the day I was baptized; the first person I saw as I came up out of the water "born again".   A few years ago, she was fighting a horrific addiction to (what many of us on the south side refer to as legal speed, or soccer mom meth) Adderal.  She found herself sitting in a drug rehabilitation center rather than at home with her husband and two baby boys. Through the grace of God at Teen Challenge, she was able to find her way out of the darkness and into the light.  Today, she is sober, remarried and now the mother of 4 (after the birth of twin boys last year).  Because of her past mistakes, her older 2 boys continue to live with their father, but she does visit them as often as possible.  She overcame the whispers behind her back, criticisms and judgements from the world around her.  She has found happiness out of despair. She has allowed God to shine through her and empower me. Philippians 1:3 I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.

Again, I wish I could say that just because God is present in my new life, with my new husband, that it is easy to walk in the light and live for the Lord.  It's not, but every day there seems to be an opportunity for God to mold me into the person He wants me to be. He takes my weaknesses, my mistakes, my trials and my pain and uses them to glorify His name. The great news in my life now, and in my marriage, that in those bad moments, it doesn't wreck my life any more.  They stay moments, not days or weeks.  And that is a celebration. 

The first verse I memorized (I'm sure as many of you good southern beaus and belles) was John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. When I was finally baptized, I understood and I believed, without a shadow of a doubt, who Jesus was and what he did for me.  The difference today, 20 years later, my commitment is greater, my faith is stronger and I am blessed to have a man of God walking with me through this journey by the grace of God.

*I want to thank my oldest, closest friend for letting me share a bit of her story in my 12:34 journey. You will never know all the ways that I love and admire you. I am a better person because God planted you in my life.

12:34 Time for Change Part IV

Exodus 12:34, So the people took their dough before the yeast was added, and carried it on their shoulders in kneading troughs wrapped in clothing.  I was pleasantly surprised to see God's message for Paul and me this week. He continues to speak to me through His word; through discussions with my husband; through friends; through living.  I've discovered this journey God's put me on is like a giant jigsaw puzzle. Each day pieces are revealed and connections are made. It's exciting and keeps me yearning for more.  I feel like my eyes have been opened and my senses have been heightened.  The more I pursue God's Word, the more I hunger and thirst for His voice and seek His purpose in my life.  And it feels good.

While reading Exodus, I learned about the character of Moses.  What. A. Man.  In Exodus 3:8, God spoke to Moses from a burning bush, "So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey."  The Lord heard the Israelites cries and told Moses in 3:10, "So now go.  I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt." 

So maybe I'm not alone in my fear of failure, as Moses expressed to the Lord his fears of being incapable, but God encouraged in 3:12, "...I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on the mountain."

"I will be with you."  Seriously? You will be with me? Even through all my uglies? As my sister always says, "God don't like ugly."  BUT HE DOES LOVE ME - through it all - right by my side. Thank you, Jesus that I'm never alone.  Moses believed, too, but HIS faith, perseverance, and endurance astounds me.  Through all the plagues that the Lord brought on the Egyptians in Exodus - rivers of blood, frogs, gnats, flies, sickening livestock, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, first born - Moses never doubted the Lord. He never tired of His instructions. He never gave up in frustration, though he repeatedly heard from Pharaoh, "I have sinned against the Lord your God and against you. Now forgive my sin once more and pray to the Lord your God to take this deadly plague away from me." (Exodus 10:16-17) And each time, immediately thereafter, "the Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said to Moses." (Exodus 7:22, 8:15, 8:19, 8:32, 9:7, 9:12, 9:35,10:20, 10:27)  I wonder if Moses had mixed emotions - second guessing God's directives.  Maybe Moses didn't.  Maybe he mastered something I haven't yet...PATIENCE.  

Sometimes I still become impatient by questioning if I'm really following God's plan for me.  If it doesn't happen in "my time" then I must have misunderstood Him. Thank you Jesus for giving me the opportunity to reevaluate "your time vs. my time."  A pleasant reminder from God came through Joyce Meyer this week, "When you are tempted to give up, your break through is probably just around the corner."  In Exodus 10:28-29, Moses knew he had reached his break through. Pharaoh said to Moses, "Get out of my sight! Make sure you do not appear before me again! The day you see my face you will die. 'Just as you say,' Moses replied. 'I will never appear before you again.'"  The final plague of the first born hit and Pharaoh and all the Egyptians urged the Israelites to hurry and leave their country for fear that they all may die rather than just the first born.  "So the people took their dough before the yeast was added, and carried it on their shoulders in kneading troughs wrapped in clothing." (Exodus 12:34) After 431 years, All the Israelites did just what the Lord had commanded Moses and Aaron. And on that very day the Lord brought the Israelites out of Egypt by their divisions. (Exodus 12:50-51)

The feast of unleavened bread (dough without yeast) commemorates the Passover. FEAST being the key word for me.  I believe God was planting His seed for this 12:34 verse before I knew which one I was studying this week. We've been talking about recreating "family dinners" with friends on a weekly basis.  Whether he believes it or not, Paul's a talented cook.  He has a distinct ability to know what foods and flavors compliment each other.  He will run to the store for 20 cents worth of herbs if his creation is missing "something."  I, on the other hand, will cook anything in the crock pot in low sodium broth for flavor.  You might say I'm the queen of bland.  BUT I LOVE dinner parties.  There is nothing better than sitting down for a meal with a group of amazingly interesting people who love sharing themselves; their souls with others.  Don't be alarmed if you see us standing patiently on the corner with a cardboard box sign that reads WILL MAKE YOU DINNER IN EXCHANGE FOR AMAZING CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER. Let's break bread together.

OR maybe I'll just make mini cardboard invitations and invite our friends...


Exodus 15:26 He said, "If you listen carefully to the Lord your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, who heals all."

12:34 Time for Change Part III

Listening to God through 12:34 and feeling His power change me has been, for lack of a better word, amazing; possibly a miracle. I've lived with the fear of failure for most of my life. At times, it has immobilized me to act, whether to walk away from a destructive situation or to follow through on something new and exciting.  More often than not, on the outside everything looked good, but on the inside I was a wreck.  This summer through the loss of a significant person in my life, I've had to face failure head on. The loss wasn't through death, though the grieving process has been the same. Watching someone walk out of your life and having no control over their choice to leave is devastating.  So many times I could have thrown my hands up in the air and given up, but instead, God has given me the endurance to move forward.

This week, I was at a loss when I read 1 Chronicles 12:34 "from Naphtali—1,000 officers, together with 37,000 men carrying shields and spears;"  Okay. Well. Where do I go from here?  I felt failure seeping into my thoughts, encouraging me to skip this verse.  How would I be able to apply this to a time for change? What was God saying to Paul and me through this verse? And seriously, who would ever know if I chose to skip it? Is anyone keeping tabs on my journey? Did I say God spoke to me through each and every 12:34 in the bible?  On the other hand, instead of giving up, I could actually take on this challenge.  I read and reread chapters 9-13 of 1 Chronicles trying to find, hear, or listen to what the Lord was telling me. Looking back in 1 Chronicles 12:22 it says, "Day after day men came to help David, until he had a great army, like the army of God."  Looking ahead in 1 Chronicles 12:38, "All these were fighting men who volunteered to serve in the ranks. They came to Hebron fully determined to make David king over all Israel. All the rest of the Israelites were also of one mind to make David king."  From here, God reminded me of the study that Paul and I had recently started called Forged in the Fire, a book focused on Samuel, David and Saul.  Now because of 12:34, Paul and I were spending our evenings discussing David, a man after God's own heart in great depth and deep discussion instead of sitting in front of the TV watching mindless shows while frantically bursting colored blocks on our iPhones.  We made a major change this week: turning. off. the. cable.  It is time for us to be a couple after God's own heart. 

I wish I could say that our life has all of a sudden been blessed with rainbows, sunshine and ease while seeking the Lord and His guidance to change us.  It hasn't.  In fact, spiritual warfare is in full force.  Yet reading God's Word has brought a strength and a determination that I've never felt before.  James 1:12 says, "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."  God challenged me this week while satan reared his ugly head in my life multiple times punching me in the gut, trying to knock the wind out of me, but I persevered.  I grew.  And today, as I'm typing right now, I feel good.  My life isn't perfect.  Sadness could consume me if I allowed it, but God is changing me.  He filled my week with research and growth in his Word and I defeated the pain satan was throwing at me.  I didn't give up and my relationship with the Lord is more intimate than ever before. 

12:34 Time for Change Part II

Before I go on to Mark 12:34, I think it's important to know for over 20 years, since the 8th grade, I've wanted to hear the Lord.  I've yearned for Him to speak to me.  Whether at church, in Sunday School, through reading or just from conversations with people, I've always felt inadequate, even jealous, when it came to meditating on God's word; listening to the Lord and living by faith in His will for my life.  What was wrong with me?  In 2006 or 2007, I read the book Eat, Pray, Love and I fell in love with Elizabeth Gilbert.  Here was a woman who didn't even know the Lord, but she heard Him in the deepest, darkest moments of her life. Though she was scared, and though her friends thought she might be crazy, she not only listened, but put into action His will for her.  I loved Gilbert's story from beginning (Eat) to end (Love), but India (Pray) was my favorite.  It was me and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel alone or inadequate in the area of meditation.  Formerly, being still and quiet with the Lord meant my mind would race through random thoughts, like an out of control ping pong game, as if I were an ADHD kid on crack. I would just give up...which meant, I don't know... about 5 minutes into my attempt at meditating. I felt exhausted and defeated every time.  I did quit beating myself up, but I still didn't understand how to stop the "crack" feeling while meditating so I just quit trying.  I knew God loved me no matter how I screwed up. He knew my heart; He heard my thoughts, so that would just have to be enough.  I continued to pray my prayers before bed, speak to God throughout the day, and read about how to pursue His will. There was still something missing, but I just went on.  Hearing the Lord's voice in quiet time and prayer (living by faith) didn't arrive in my life until a few months ago...just a short 6 years after reading her book.  I've stopped praying for patience.  Now I thank Jesus for being oh so patient with ME!

I'm not sure which happened first; listening to God through 12:34 or reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan because it all started about the same time.  Either way, I think it's another important detail to include here.  Chan's book and videos (which can be found on you tube) helped me learn how to search out where I was in my spiritual life and to take an honest look at how I'm living, parts I desire to change and the direction I want to go.  It's certainly not an easy read, but it was exactly the push I needed to continue this journey.  Chan's workbook has guided me in a way I wasn't sure how to do on my own.  He prompted questions that I needed answers to which allowed me to sit...and dare I say, MEDITATE, on God's word.  For the first time, through reading my bible and evaluating my life, I'm ecstatic to say my Heavenly Father began speaking to me.  I let go of the control I've fought for so long to maintain and began to not only listen, but put into action His word.  Now I know and feel I am not alone.  I am not on my own.  I wish I could say it's been easy.   It hasn't, but doing His will has enabled me to not worry about how others view me or stress about my past, present and future.  I'm pursuing what He has created me to be and I'm at peace. 

Mark 12:34 says "When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, He said to him, 'You are not far from the kingdom of God.' And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions."  I wasn't sure who Jesus was talking to or what He was talking about so I read through chapter 12 and when I came to Mark 12:30 Jesus stated God's most important commandment: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." In 12:32-33, "Well said, teacher," the man replied. "You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but Him. To love Him with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices."  In Mark 12:34, Jesus was confirming and praising this man's understanding of His teachings.  AND GOD was encouraging ME through my newest 12:34 discovery.  That very day, in the middle of my struggles, He knew I needed His strength to continue the changes in my life.  I can't waiver in my pursuit of Him no matter how often I feel the sting of judgement from others; no matter how many people might think I'm crazy or making mistakes in my life.  What a beautiful and comforting message to read.  The changes in my life with my husband are moving us closer to His kingdom.  Thank you Jesus for your patience, your guidance, your strength.  We are nothing without You.

This journey is not complete.  I'm excited to say that God continues to change us through 12:34.  If compelled, return soon to read more in part III.




 

12:34 Time for Change Part I

It wasn't long after I began dating Paul that 12:34 became significant in our lives.  Even before each other, it seemed that two times during each day, we both found ourselves looking at the clock at the same time.  When he finally told me about his 12:34 "habit", I admitted to mine, as well.  After this revelation, texts would be sent and received most days at 12:34 full of thoughtful, love notes.  A couple of months ago, I decided to look deeper into 12:34.  Was God trying to tell us something more than what time it was?  As I had been seeking the Lord and learning what it meant to truly meditate on His word, I was excited and optimistic to see what God would reveal to me through 12:34.

My first verse: Matthew 12:34 You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.  I'm sorry. Excuse me. This can't be right. 12:34 is supposed to be messages of love, joy and amazement because that's what I am...we are...right???  I was hesitant to continue my search through the bible.  I wasn't sure I was ready for God to reveal anymore to me. Actually, I wasn't sure I was ready for God to reveal MYSELF to ME. But instead of giving up, or changing "our time" (seriously, I considered pursuing 11:11 - maybe God would be sweeter in His teachings to me), I dug my feet in and read on.  In Matthew 34 and 35 He says, "A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgement for every empty word they have spoken. Hmm. I go to church. I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I love people of all backgrounds, cultures and races. Could this "brood of vipers" really apply to me?  Well... maybe... there could be things I could work on. I'm sure there are a few.  I admit I was scared to see what else I would find in other 12:34 verses so I decided to search my heart for a few days on Matthew.  It was time for me to find where I was out of balance.  What did I do in my life that needed to be changed? The most significant: to humble myself and not be prideful.  One day, when I am ready, I will be able to share how God took me to my knees revealing just how prideful and judgemental I was and I hadn't even realized it. A significant change occurred in my life that I had absolutely no control over.  It wasn't wanted, but it was needed. Otherwise I would still be the same person that would fall in the category of  "broods of vipers; evil speaking good." Thank you Jesus for lessons learned the hard, painful way.  12:34 is a time for change. Though I still think 12:34 should be sweet.

As I moved on in my study, I came to Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Okay, this was so much better than "you brood of vipers" even though God was making me face where my heart truly lies.  The day the Lord revealed this verse to me I knew it was time for me to tell my husband about this study; this journey through the bible of 12:34.  I knew this verse in Luke was significant because of the dilemma my husband and I were facing at that exact time. Does he stay in a job that will keep him away for long periods of time, though it pays as if he attended medical school? Where is our treasure? Is it in the love of money or is it in our Heavenly Father who wants nothing more than to take care of us?  This was a bitter, ugly pill to swallow.  Here again God was humbling me.  We are not in control, but He has thought of and taken care of everything.  Throughout Luke 12, Jesus points out that the birds never worry about or store up food for He provides for them.  In Luke 12:24 Jesus says, "...And how much more valuable you are than birds!"  For even wildflowers do not have to work at their appearance. Luke 12:28 "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you..."  Through prayer and quiet listening, Paul and I decided our treasure wasn't in the love of money, but in Jesus. Once again, 12:34 revealed a time for change.   Jesus says in Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single day to your life?   Making changes in my life has often brought on stress and worry- Am I doing the right thing? What will everyone think? What will they say behind my back? It only took me 36 years to realize that the only person I need to worry about what "they" think is my Heavenly Father.  He made me in my mother's womb. He knows where I am going and what He created me to do. It only makes sense that I should seek answers from Him. 

Let the adventures begin!
I look forward to writing about the rest of my 12:34 journey throughout the bible... Happy to say it just gets better and better.

Livng On

"It's been over 5 months..." is how I began my last post on That's my blog.  That was in 2008.  Now in August, over half of 2012 has past.  I contemplated removing the old posts from the old blog, but as of now, I don't think I will.  We all have baggage; a history that shapes and defines who we are today.  Some of mine are there.  And wow.  How life changes. Drastically.  So I will write on in a new life; a new mindset; embrace the challenges, heartaches, and successes that have brought me along in my journey.  I look forward to the future and what lies ahead...starting with today.

The past two months have been some of the hardest of my entire life.  I considered giving up; throwing in the towel; just laying in bed and not facing another day; but instead, I decided to fight. Grow. Embrace change and fall in love with freedom.  For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother's womb (Psalm 139).  Those words are like sunshine to me.  I find myself in search, in pursuit, of who He knitted me to be.  And today, because of this knowledge, I can breathe.  I don't know where this journey is taking me, but I am excited to take flight.  For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). 

This is a journal of where I've begun and where I will go; who I will meet and how I will change along the way.