Each week, when I read a new 12:34, I don't have predetermined ideas in which to write. Truthfully, at the end of each piece, before I start a new reading, I have a moment of doubt; a "what if I can't hear Him" moment. Yet each week, I have found God in every message revealing many things about myself and revealing himself throughout my day. Reading the book of John has been no different. And now, five weeks later, I have a lump in my throat as I'm typing. HE continues to speak to ME and it seems almost everywhere I look I am hearing his voice.
John 12:34 The crowd spoke up, "We have heard from the Law that the Messiah will remain forever, so how can you say, 'The Son of Man must be lifted up?' Who is this 'Son of Man'?" Reading this I immediately thought back to when I was young. My family and I attended a small Methodist church from as far back as I can remember. We were in church together most Sundays. I attended VBS every summer and Sunday school occasionally. I remember coloring pages and listening to stories about Jesus. When I was in the 5th grade, I began confirmation classes - learning the meaning of Christian faith; the history and teachings of the Methodist church; and an explanation of the baptism and membership vows. I faithfully attended the classes. Honestly, if I remember correctly, I even had some one on one tutorial sessions, too. After these classes, I would come home with so many questions. I just couldn't wrap my head around the concept of the Trinity. AND I was being told I must profess my faith IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION AND be sprinkled with water to be "born again"... WHAAAT??!!
Mom and I spent many weeks that summer memorizing bible verses and talking about this Son of Man. Being raised in the South, I'm sure I shouldn't have had so many questions. I shouldn't have been questioning like the Greeks in John 12:34. I should have been the obedient child - listening and doing what I was told - no questions asked. I was just getting baptized and, seriously, every good christian was doing it. Except me. To this day, it may be the single most important act my parents did for me, and as amazing as they are in so many ways, their decision to let me wait until I was ready is the one I respect the most.
Earlier this week, before I went to sleep, I read a chapter from Do Something by Miles McPherson. In each chapter he tells a personal story, whether his or someone else's and intertwines it with a story from the bible. This particular chapter focused on stories from the book of John. I literally had to catch my breath for a second. I knew God wanted me to hear something. "...One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see." (John 9:25) Then the author asked a question: "Can you say in one way or another, I was blind and now I see?"
Honestly, I lived about 14 years of my life blindly. Somehow I got lost. My faith slipped by my own freewill. I was 20 years old, in college, with a new found freedom I had never experienced before. Oh, and by the way, I knew it all! I fell into an infatuation with a free spirit. His life motto seemed to be, "If it feels good, it is good" and I jumped right in. In other words, I drank the kool-aid. Or at least half a cup. In John 35-36, Jesus said, "You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before the darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light." In his defense, that free-spirit I fell for, he warned me about leaving the light and living in the dark. He tried to stop me, but when I was 20, nothing scared me and I thought I could change the world.
Five years later, at 25, I wish I could say, in the best fairytale way, a stork delivered a beautiful baby boy in a bassinet, gently dropping it at our doorstep. Instead it looked more like a bomb went off and out of the shrapnel came a fighting-mad 12 year old middle school boy who, like me, knew everything. There were plenty of battles through those early years, but out of that war came love, and a glimmer of God's light. At 29, I found myself with that 16 year old boy back at the little Methodist church I was raised in. It was a safe place where I knew God would be waiting for those of us living in the dark. The free-spirit and I, along with my parents and other family members, got to watch him receive Christ into his heart and be baptized. There was no sprinkle this time. He went down in that water and came out "born again". I'll never forget that day. It was a good one. I wish I could conclude this 12:34 with "And they lived happily ever after," but I can't.
All week God has prompted me to share where I am now and the road that got me here... and I really didn't want to. This piece has only come out of me kicking and screaming. Isaiah 23:9 The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth. For the majority of my adult life, I raised that sweet boy that God shell shocked my twenties with. I received praise and accolades and I became prideful in what "I" did as a parent. When the free-spirit and I divorced, I was still living in the dark, but I wanted the light desperately. This journey I've been on over the past two years lead me to Paul and the Lord, but it, also, created a fork in the road for me and that sweet boy God exploded my door step with so many years ago. I know Satan didn't like the changes I was making in my life. All the tricks that had worked before to throw me off my journey weren't working anymore. Satan used the only ammunition he had left. My sweet boy was forced to choose between his father and the "used to be" step mom. In all my pride, I thought the war was over a long time ago, but I was wrong, and I lost. He walked out of my life and he is gone. Heartbroken, God gave me a choice. John 3:21 "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." I could retreat to the dark, avoiding people, their criticisms and judgement. I could pretend my life was perfect, but I was tired, exhausted from living that way.
If there is anyone on this earth that could teach me how to live in the light, it is my best friend from high school. She was with me at 16, in a new church I had found with her help, the day I was baptized; the first person I saw as I came up out of the water "born again". A few years ago, she was fighting a horrific addiction to (what many of us on the south side refer to as legal speed, or soccer mom meth) Adderal. She found herself sitting in a drug rehabilitation center rather than at home with her husband and two baby boys. Through the grace of God at Teen Challenge, she was able to find her way out of the darkness and into the light. Today, she is sober, remarried and now the mother of 4 (after the birth of twin boys last year). Because of her past mistakes, her older 2 boys continue to live with their father, but she does visit them as often as possible. She overcame the whispers behind her back, criticisms and judgements from the world around her. She has found happiness out of despair. She has allowed God to shine through her and empower me. Philippians 1:3 I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.
Again, I wish I could say that just because God is present in my new life, with my new husband, that it is easy to walk in the light and live for the Lord. It's not, but every day there seems to be an opportunity for God to mold me into the person He wants me to be. He takes my weaknesses, my mistakes, my trials and my pain and uses them to glorify His name. The great news in my life now, and in my marriage, that in those bad moments, it doesn't wreck my life any more. They stay moments, not days or weeks. And that is a celebration.
The first verse I memorized (I'm sure as many of you good southern beaus and belles) was John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. When I was finally baptized, I understood and I believed, without a shadow of a doubt, who Jesus was and what he did for me. The difference today, 20 years later, my commitment is greater, my faith is stronger and I am blessed to have a man of God walking with me through this journey by the grace of God.
*I want to thank my oldest, closest friend for letting me share a bit of her story in my 12:34 journey. You will never know all the ways that I love and admire you. I am a better person because God planted you in my life.
John 12:34 The crowd spoke up, "We have heard from the Law that the Messiah will remain forever, so how can you say, 'The Son of Man must be lifted up?' Who is this 'Son of Man'?" Reading this I immediately thought back to when I was young. My family and I attended a small Methodist church from as far back as I can remember. We were in church together most Sundays. I attended VBS every summer and Sunday school occasionally. I remember coloring pages and listening to stories about Jesus. When I was in the 5th grade, I began confirmation classes - learning the meaning of Christian faith; the history and teachings of the Methodist church; and an explanation of the baptism and membership vows. I faithfully attended the classes. Honestly, if I remember correctly, I even had some one on one tutorial sessions, too. After these classes, I would come home with so many questions. I just couldn't wrap my head around the concept of the Trinity. AND I was being told I must profess my faith IN FRONT OF THE CONGREGATION AND be sprinkled with water to be "born again"... WHAAAT??!!
Mom and I spent many weeks that summer memorizing bible verses and talking about this Son of Man. Being raised in the South, I'm sure I shouldn't have had so many questions. I shouldn't have been questioning like the Greeks in John 12:34. I should have been the obedient child - listening and doing what I was told - no questions asked. I was just getting baptized and, seriously, every good christian was doing it. Except me. To this day, it may be the single most important act my parents did for me, and as amazing as they are in so many ways, their decision to let me wait until I was ready is the one I respect the most.
Earlier this week, before I went to sleep, I read a chapter from Do Something by Miles McPherson. In each chapter he tells a personal story, whether his or someone else's and intertwines it with a story from the bible. This particular chapter focused on stories from the book of John. I literally had to catch my breath for a second. I knew God wanted me to hear something. "...One thing I know: that though I was blind, now I see." (John 9:25) Then the author asked a question: "Can you say in one way or another, I was blind and now I see?"
Honestly, I lived about 14 years of my life blindly. Somehow I got lost. My faith slipped by my own freewill. I was 20 years old, in college, with a new found freedom I had never experienced before. Oh, and by the way, I knew it all! I fell into an infatuation with a free spirit. His life motto seemed to be, "If it feels good, it is good" and I jumped right in. In other words, I drank the kool-aid. Or at least half a cup. In John 35-36, Jesus said, "You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before the darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going. Believe in the light while you have the light, so that you may become children of light." In his defense, that free-spirit I fell for, he warned me about leaving the light and living in the dark. He tried to stop me, but when I was 20, nothing scared me and I thought I could change the world.
Five years later, at 25, I wish I could say, in the best fairytale way, a stork delivered a beautiful baby boy in a bassinet, gently dropping it at our doorstep. Instead it looked more like a bomb went off and out of the shrapnel came a fighting-mad 12 year old middle school boy who, like me, knew everything. There were plenty of battles through those early years, but out of that war came love, and a glimmer of God's light. At 29, I found myself with that 16 year old boy back at the little Methodist church I was raised in. It was a safe place where I knew God would be waiting for those of us living in the dark. The free-spirit and I, along with my parents and other family members, got to watch him receive Christ into his heart and be baptized. There was no sprinkle this time. He went down in that water and came out "born again". I'll never forget that day. It was a good one. I wish I could conclude this 12:34 with "And they lived happily ever after," but I can't.
All week God has prompted me to share where I am now and the road that got me here... and I really didn't want to. This piece has only come out of me kicking and screaming. Isaiah 23:9 The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring down her pride in all her splendor and to humble all who are renowned on the earth. For the majority of my adult life, I raised that sweet boy that God shell shocked my twenties with. I received praise and accolades and I became prideful in what "I" did as a parent. When the free-spirit and I divorced, I was still living in the dark, but I wanted the light desperately. This journey I've been on over the past two years lead me to Paul and the Lord, but it, also, created a fork in the road for me and that sweet boy God exploded my door step with so many years ago. I know Satan didn't like the changes I was making in my life. All the tricks that had worked before to throw me off my journey weren't working anymore. Satan used the only ammunition he had left. My sweet boy was forced to choose between his father and the "used to be" step mom. In all my pride, I thought the war was over a long time ago, but I was wrong, and I lost. He walked out of my life and he is gone. Heartbroken, God gave me a choice. John 3:21 "But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." I could retreat to the dark, avoiding people, their criticisms and judgement. I could pretend my life was perfect, but I was tired, exhausted from living that way.
If there is anyone on this earth that could teach me how to live in the light, it is my best friend from high school. She was with me at 16, in a new church I had found with her help, the day I was baptized; the first person I saw as I came up out of the water "born again". A few years ago, she was fighting a horrific addiction to (what many of us on the south side refer to as legal speed, or soccer mom meth) Adderal. She found herself sitting in a drug rehabilitation center rather than at home with her husband and two baby boys. Through the grace of God at Teen Challenge, she was able to find her way out of the darkness and into the light. Today, she is sober, remarried and now the mother of 4 (after the birth of twin boys last year). Because of her past mistakes, her older 2 boys continue to live with their father, but she does visit them as often as possible. She overcame the whispers behind her back, criticisms and judgements from the world around her. She has found happiness out of despair. She has allowed God to shine through her and empower me. Philippians 1:3 I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.
Again, I wish I could say that just because God is present in my new life, with my new husband, that it is easy to walk in the light and live for the Lord. It's not, but every day there seems to be an opportunity for God to mold me into the person He wants me to be. He takes my weaknesses, my mistakes, my trials and my pain and uses them to glorify His name. The great news in my life now, and in my marriage, that in those bad moments, it doesn't wreck my life any more. They stay moments, not days or weeks. And that is a celebration.
The first verse I memorized (I'm sure as many of you good southern beaus and belles) was John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. When I was finally baptized, I understood and I believed, without a shadow of a doubt, who Jesus was and what he did for me. The difference today, 20 years later, my commitment is greater, my faith is stronger and I am blessed to have a man of God walking with me through this journey by the grace of God.
*I want to thank my oldest, closest friend for letting me share a bit of her story in my 12:34 journey. You will never know all the ways that I love and admire you. I am a better person because God planted you in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment