Cheering Dogs and Air High Fives: The power of positive thinking

So I'm sitting here at my desk staring at my bookcase full of glorious books and this is the one that catches my eye, The Power of Negative Thinking: An unconventional approach to achieving positive results by Bob Knight. It was a gift from my sweet in laws. Bob is their neighbor and he signed this copy for us. It's interesting that this is the book that caught my eye as I've been thinking a lot about this lately ... seven weeks to be exact.

Seven weeks ago I signed up for a class to train for a triathlon because I have never been able to run long distances. I am deathly afraid of being in water that I can't see the bottom of and, well, I think the last time I was on a bike I was in the fifth grade. A triathlon class seemed logical. My first day of class was everyone else's sixth week of class. Class started on a stationary bike. I seriously thought my butt cheeks (you're welcome) would never be the same. That was just the first 10 minutes of class. I kept thinking, "Why would anyone purposely do this?" The wonderful woman next to me, possibly recognizing the agony on my face said, "Don't worry about the pain. You'll be amazed at how quickly your butt will callous." I'm sorry, WHAT?!?! Are butts supposed to callous? Then the bubbly trainer said, "Okay ladies, let's go outside for our run." The run consisted of 1.5 miles. That 1.5 miles consisted of me running maaaaaybe half a mile with 1.5 miles full of powerful negative thinking. I told myself that I couldn't believe I let myself get this way. I told myself how pathetic I was. I told myself I was never going to be able to do this. I told myself how embarrassed I should be. When the 1.5 from hell was over, the trainer - STILL MADE US WORKOUT! Not just workout, but run and by run, I don't mean jog, I mean run. And when that was over, we weren't finished - freaking more biking. Needless to say, there was a lot of negative self talk going on. And then ... it was over.

Two days later I went back for more. The callused butt - yeah it happened - the bike wasn't anywhere near as painful as it had been before. My main goal for this second training session was to run the entire way without walking AND I did it. My mind was full of negative thinking, but I still did it. After the 1.5, the workout continued with some sprints (OH MY GOSH is this trainer CRAZY?). Then more biking. I will admit that day I called my husband when it was over and I cried. My mind was so full of negative thinking I couldn't stand to hold it in any longer. I told him I couldn't do it. I told him that I was such a loser even though I ran the entire way. I told him how I couldn't believe that I let myself go from being such a physically strong person to such a weak soul. He listened. He told me how proud he was of me. He told me I could do it. I listened reluctantly and then, when I got home, I filled myself up with ibuprofen, iced my knees until I couldn't feel them anymore and went to sleep smelling like icy hot.

About three weeks into this hot mess (and never walking my 1.5 since the first day), I asked one of the girls in class (that I look up to) what her inner dialogue was when she ran. She said, "Oh I look for butterflies and when I get tired I look ahead to a mailbox or a parked car and I pretend it's cheering me on. When I get to the mailbox or car, I pretend it gives me a high five and when I hear dogs bark I know they are cheering me on." Um. Wow. Really? I'm not sure this fits Bob Knight's idea of powerful negative thinking ... so I tried it. Every time I heard a dog bark I smiled and in my head I said, "Thanks." Each time a car passed I thought about how proud they were of me. And the longer I ran, the more encouraged I felt as the ladies ahead of me never left my line of vision. Another thing I remembered my sweet little butterfly girl saying was, "It doesn't matter how fast everyone else is, you're still running as far as they are."

I began to think about how long I've operated on the power of negative thinking. It's been a long time. I thought about the amazing athletes I played basketball and volleyball with growing up. I never considered that they may not have operated on the power of negative thinking. It makes sense. They were always so confident. I was not. When my last high school coach entered my world, he played on my weaknesses. I will hope that he was doing this in an attempt to help me improve. Unfortunately, he didn't know my inner dialogue. I will hope that he had no idea how defeated he made me feel on a daily basis. I will hope that had he known, he would have approached me differently. All my insides ever felt in those days were brokenness and defeat. It's so sad to think that I had no idea others weren't operating on the power of negative thinking.

Today, because of the power of positive thinking, I ran 2.7 miles and biked 3.6 miles all while listening to the dogs cheer me on and the man mowing the lawn and drinking his coffee give me an air high five. And guess what? I gave it right back.

*** I think it is important to say that I like Bob Knight. He has a bad reputation in the sports world that he worked hard to earn, but as my in laws neighbor, he is funny and quirky and I truly appreciate the kind words he wrote in our book. ***

Turning 40 and Choosing Me

Today I am a week into my 40's. I'll admit it - I cried the day I turned 40 (a lot). The strike of midnight brought on the tears with thoughts of how close I am to 80. I know it was mostly irrational, but it also allowed for a mental shift in my brain. I am 40. I am important. It's time to put me first. Even typing that I feel selfish, but I won't rest on that thought. I've done to much resting. It's time to get up.

Today I accomplished a fear I've had, well, forever. I ran outside. And when I say I ran, I really mean I used the C25K app. Day one. So for those who don't know, it means I walked a lot and I jogged a little. But ... I did it. And I did it in the dark. By. My. Self. I did try and wake my dog up to go with me - the dog I always brag about being so loyal to me. That dog. At 5 am I rubbed his belly, but he didn't move. Nope. He just slept. I thought that might be my sign to stay in and drink a cup of coffee instead. I got to the living room and picked up his leash, banging it a little (a lot) against the table thinking he'd hear it and jump up with excitement. He didn't. When I got to the front door I banged the door a little (a lot) giving him one last chance to jump up out of bed and come running ... running with his scared momma in the dark. He didn't. In fact, just over an hour later I can hear his collar clanking now. Now he wants to get up. Whatever.

As I "ran" this morning (in the dark), I thought about how many times I haven't done things in my life because of that debilitating fear of failure. When I got "halfway" (for those of you who know this app), I turned around and started back toward the house. As I was "running" I thought I saw a shooting star, but wasn't sure if I was just delirious. I immediately thought of my grandfather in heaven. I thought about how proud he was of me. And then I thought to myself, "No. I'm proud of me." Forty is about accomplishing things for myself not to make others proud of me. And then, AGAIN, another shooting star. It was amazing. It seemed so close. It looked like someone had shot off a firecracker right in front of me. That's it. God was shooting off a firecracker for me because I was finally doing something to make myself proud. I "ran" in the dark - by myself - and I liked it.

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Forget Cake: Let Them Eat Pie!

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Laughter, found eating pie for breakfast unsuitable. When I let her know that we often ate pie for breakfast, she let me know she would be talking with my mother about such rubbish I spoke in her classroom. I remember thinking to myself, "Go ahead. I'm not lying and you're going to feel like an idiot when my mom sets you straight." I loved Mrs. Laughter so I didn't dare say that to her. Just thoughts; it all stayed just thoughts in my head. When I came home from school that day, my mom, in a not so pleasant voice asked me why I told my teacher we ate pie for breakfast. It went something like this, "TYLER! Why did you tell Mrs. Laughter that I let you eat pie for breakfast? WHEN? When have I ever let you eat pie for breakfast?!?!" I was in utter disbelief. All I could imagine was the conversation that played out between my mother and teacher about me lying. My mom saying, "Oh good grief! She does NOT eat pie for breakfast. I don't know where she gets these stories from!" I found myself in "story" predicaments quite often. I was, what you might call, a creative child. With tears of frustration due to implications that I was, in fact, a liar I declared, "MOM! We eat pie at Ganny's all the time!" Realizing I was quite sure that we did, in fact, eat pie at Ganny's, I could see my mom's wheels turning, trying to figure out what I was talking about. And then it hit her. My mom started laughing and said, "Quiche. Ganny makes quiche." Well, whatever it was called, it was served in a pie shell AND it was all kinds of goodness. I have never grown out of loving quiche. If it's on the menu, I will be eating it. Yesterday, I made several for a dear friends baby shower. I had no idea others didn't have a "Ganny" who made quiche for them. It seems as though, I may now have a small quiche making business. And I'm okay with that. Forget cake. Let them eat pie!

Sausage & Cheese Quiche

Spinach & Cheese Quiche

So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun. Ecclesiastes 8:15

I ask for a fish, I get a Blue Marlin

Back in 2012, I had high hopes for 2013.  I said to a friend several times, "It really can't get worse" while freaking out, hyperventilating or crying. Speaking now from experience, never, I repeat, never say that.  EVER!  I appreciate the sick sense of humor the Lord has and my parents instilled in me because now, I laugh.  And I laugh often because "it" can get worse if that's how I choose to look at life. Or I can choose to look at my life each day as it comes and be grateful for the numerous blessings that surround every ounce of my being.  I am learning to trust the Lord daily.  Living in the present with Him and truly depending on his provisions day to day has been freeing.  During the days of "it can't get worse," my relationship with the Lord was not based on dependence and trust because I was still speaking the words "I can handle this; I can control this; I've got this" and not "God's got this; He's taking care of me; I trust you, Lord."  Now, my trust isn't perfect every day and I have to check myself when I feel the tension in my arms, back or chest, but I'm better.  I'm closer to where I want to be and where God wants me to be, but the only way I've gotten here is through reading His Word. 

I have to work at living day to day.  This may sound silly, but day to day living isn't structured enough for me.  There's no planning... and that's just uncomfortable.  What am I supposed to do with my time.  Oh. wait. Maybe this is where I find more time to live in God's Word building a relationship with Him.  I mean, He is the one who created me and planned this life for me.  It seems like it would make sense to listen to Him.  I joked many times about seeking the Lord in 11:11 while I was changing through 12:34.  My jokes have come to pass.  11:11is the structure I needed to live in Him day to day.

As I began my new adventure, Luke 11:11 immediately spoke to me. You fathers - if your children ask for a fish, do you give them a snake instead?  Just imagine who my parents are: If I asked them for a fish, my parents wouldn't settle on a goldfish. They would gift me with a Blue Marlin from the Marlin Capitol of the World in Cabo San Lucas. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for the parents He blessed me with on earth.  My parents are kind, giving, loving, supportive, encouraging, loyal, funny... I could go on and on.  As other positive qualities pop in your head, assign them to my parents, too, because that's who they are.  Many times in life, when I have disappointed myself, I'm heartbroken over the idea of disappointing my parents; even worse, embarrassing them. The unconditional love and support they've given me at even my worst moments...times...years... is beyond words.  They love me. Period.  How wonderful it is to be raised by parents who want only the best for me; who want me to be happy; who want for me what I want for me. 

                       My Dad: My superhero.  My mom: My best friend.  
Because my parents loved me above all else, 1 Peter 4:8 is easy to comprehend.  Above all, love each other warmly, because love covers many sins.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for blessing me with my parents. I ask you to watch over them. Keep them safe and healthy. I pray your healing hands touch their entire bodies. I pray that they feel your presence and your love thoroughly enveloping them. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Oh my, have I become Martha???

Over the past 3 months, I've had many ask if I'm still writing, reading, learning, growing.  "Where are you?" The answer is always the same.  I am still writing, but more reading, learning and growing.  The past three months have been filled with fasting, family illness and friends' heartaches.  Sometimes it's more important to exchange writing time with loving your loved ones. 

Unfortunately finding a balance between loving those around you and loving yourself enough to NOT lose yourself can be difficult.  That's exactly where I found myself today - completely out of balance. Exhaustion has worn me down and allowed bitterness to fight it's way in.  I recognize it by the just plain nasty, negative thoughts that have popped in my head lately- those thoughts that then immediately prompt, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TYLER?!?! THAT'S JUST MEAN MEAN MEAN!" 

A couple of months ago, my sweet friend blessed me with prayer beads.  It took me a while to decide what scripture I wanted to use as my mantra.  I finally decided on Proverbs 26:10 "Be still and know that I am God." It's my way of asking the Lord to take captive not only my thoughts, but my actions - attempting to fulfill 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."   I just realized I've been saying my mantra A LOT lately.  Which now prompts me to say, "I'm sorry husband for the past few days of eggshell walking.  Seriously...BLESS YOUR HEART!"  AND I honestly mean that in the biblical sense rather than the southern way of making my offensiveness's all okay.

I love how God meets you right where you're at - ready to speak to you in whatever way is needed so you will hear Him.  His timing is perfect. This morning, I opened to chapter six of "He Still Moves Stones" by Max Lucado. The title made me laugh out loud: "Sour Milk: Overcoming a Bad Attitude." 

Luke 10:40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to Him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me." Martha, Martha, the Lord answered, You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken from her.

Oh my, have I become Martha???  The last thing I want to be is whiny Martha! I certainly didn't plan on being irritated with others and the role I believe they should be filling in my life.  No wonder I've been frustrated lately.  Thank you Lord for your perfect timing - your living word speaking to me when I was ready to listen. 

Goodbye 2012

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
And surely you'll buy your pint cup! and surely I'll buy mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

Auld Lang Syne is about old friends who have parted and meet again. To celebrate their long friendship, they share a drink together and reminisce of memories from long ago. The basic message is that we should not forget our old friends and should celebrate a reunion with them.  http://www.newyearfavors.com/new-years-eve-song.html

Though I have lost several relationships this year, I've, also, had the pleasure of reconnecting with family and old friends.  I celebrate the relationships that the Lord has blessed me with.  Even through the most difficult times, the greatest lesson I've learned is joy can be found through pain.  I've definitely hurt more this year than ever, yet I have, also, never felt more empowered, at peace and free. 

Mark 5:34  He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

 

2013, I welcome you with open arms!