If only I could remember 2 Timothy 1:12 I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.
I have no real explanation for why the past three weeks have been discouraging. I will assume a prominent stress was from the breast cancer scare we had in our family that prompted 8 days of waiting. A few days before our initial scare, we were hit with the devastating news of a family friend's breast cancer diagnosis. I spent the majority of those 8 days praying... no matter what I was doing, on the inside, I was talking to God. I was praying for my own personal love while, also, praying for several others suffering from various forms of this disease. I repeatedly read Psalm 107:20 "He sent out his word and healed them..." When our waiting game concluded, my family received amazing news...all clear. Of course we felt relieved and ecstatic. And at the same time, I felt sad for my friends. Out of respect, I didn't shout from the roof tops, aka an announcement on Facebook, that we slipped through the evil hands of cancer...this time.
Several times this month I found myself asking my husband and a few trustworthy friends the question, "Why does it seem like life is harder, more difficult, not as fun or happy since I've committed myself to living right and putting God first?" 1 Timothy 6:12 says Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. Honestly, I didn't expect this new way of living to be such a battle. I didn't expect a regular feeling of defeat... and it has nothing to do with people, but life circumstances. I recognize that my job as a counselor plays into this, as well. It can be oddly comforting that my struggles are nothing compared to what most of my kids experience daily. Unfortunately, taking in their struggles builds up and wears me down. Sometimes I want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs, "REALLY? REALLY? Are you kidding me? Anything else?" On the other hand, I don't want an open invitation for more pain, more stress whether at work, at home, with family or friends. My plate is full. Then I have to remind myself of Isaiah 54:15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
Spiritual warfare never meant much to me. In all honesty, I wasn't even sure I fully believed it because it just wasn't something I'd ever experienced. I get it now. Previously, what did the devil have to fight for with me? Um, nothing; no battle here. Now, it seems there's a fight every day in some way or another. Discouragement greets me at my bedroom door, my front door, my garage door, my car door, my office door...you get the picture. If it doesn't win in one area, unfortunately it doesn't quit, but just attacks another area. Luckily, Romans 8:37 says No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. I must remember that, AND I don't have to do it alone. The best thing I've done for my life was change my surroundings. It wasn't easy eliminating destruction from my life, but I gained so many positive, encouraging, and non judgemental people. The exact opposite of who I believed would be in my life while attempting to be a "good Christian girl." I'm thankful I can voice my frustrations, fears, mistakes and challenges to family and friends who understand because they have experienced the same thoughts at one time or another.
The past three weeks, I allowed the "spiritual forces of evil" to grab hold and wear me out. I avoided reading. I avoided writing. I forgot Ephesians 6:13-17 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
My life really isn't sad or discouraging. I am blessed beyond measure. I am grateful for more than much. I don't spend the majority of my days down in the dumps attending my own pity party even if this blog entry may sound as if I did the month of October. However, I do believe in the power of sharing moments of weakness. If I can reveal my feelings of discouragement and just one person is encouraged because they aren't alone, then I know I did God's will.
1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
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